


Love's ignorant of time

by mishabloom



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Breaking Up & Making Up, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Eventual Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Future Fic, Heartbreak, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Out of Character, Post-Break Up, i hope it's light, slightly i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 19:09:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9621590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mishabloom/pseuds/mishabloom
Summary: That time Isak found himself feeling a lot more like Sonja, when he got a call from the only person he didn't think he'd ever hear from, or Isak decides to save Even and uncovers all the feelings he's been bottling up since their break up





	1. hugging the knife that stabs you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> our love has gone cold,  
> you're intertwining your soul with somebody else  
> (the 1975)
> 
> do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?

He got a call in the middle of the night and it was an achingly familiar name on the screen with a picture of smiling Even. He hadn’t called him in several months now, so Isak almost forgot about the picture and all the memories behind it. It felt almost surreal, seeing Even’s number light up the screen, drawing Isak out of his dreams and into a harsh reality of his hollow bedroom.

Isak hopelessly looked around the room as if trying to get some help from a nonexistent audience: everything was the same here – a bed, too big for one person, a closet which was only half filled, a somewhat empty shelf which used to be filled with DVDs and books; and their, no, _his_ , his dog calmly resting on the pillow by the door. The feeling of emptiness followed Isak everywhere in this flat, the ghost of Even’s presence never leaving this place.

Isak stared at his phone for a solid thirty seconds, kind of hoping for it to be just a nightmare that he would wake up from in just a moment. But the phone kept ringing, breaking the silence of his room, waking up the retriever on the other side of the room. It was 4 am and a tiny voice in the back of Isak’s head kept persuading him to answer the phone.

"Hi, it's Isak, right? You are in Even's speed dial list.” An unfamiliar voice startled Isak with the pushy tone and he felt a growing anxiety building up in his chest. Though it wasn’t Even on the other end of the line, maybe hearing a voice of another person was even more painful. Getting this call started to open up still fresh wounds. Though who did he try to fool, the wounds didn’t even start to heal by this time.

"Something's wrong with him"

Isak sank down on the corner of his bed holding his breath. Just for a moment he thought it was a cruel joke or he was a star of a stupid reality show, because this just couldn’t be happening to him right now.

"I don't know where he is, he just stormed out in the middle of the night! He was acting strange, talking about some swimming pool and how he did it all wrong" (It felt anything but wrong to Isak at that time, but he didn’t dare to interrupt the stranger’s story.)

"I fell asleep and then I heard him leave! He left his phone, wallet and car keys, I have no freaking idea what's going on! I'm just running around the block looking for him! Listen, I don't even know if you can help, I just saw your name in his phone and… I know about your history, but just fuck! I'm scared shitless for him!"

Isak hung up and threw his phone to the other side of the bed. It wasn't his place to come back into Even's life without his permission. Just because someone who was with him right now didn't know what was going on, it wasn't his duty to save them. But why was he already jumping into his jeans and the first hoodie he could reach?

_Because of the swimming pool._

Isak actually wasn’t sure he knew where to go, he didn't remember where that place was exactly, at the time he was so indulged into the feeling of Even right next to him and holding onto his sides as they strolled through the city, he didn’t notice their surroundings. Finally, he dialed the number and left it on speaker while stuffing a set of warm clothes into his backpack, frantically running around his bedroom.

“What the h-”

“Just don’t, okay?”, Isak stopped the voice coming from the other side of the line, trying to sound calm, “Give me ten minutes, I’ll text you where to come.” And like that he was out on an unfortunate adventure, which he never wanted to be on.

Running down the stairs, he figured where Even was supposed to be and let out a light breath. One quest down, only god knows how many he had left to face that night. Once in a car, he texted the address to the mysterious stranger on Even’s phone, turned on the radio and was on his way. Now Isak had time to breathe and think. Think about just how fucked up this was. And also ironic, he almost wanted to call Sonja and hysterically laugh at the similarity of the situations. How did he end up in this mess?

They'd been together for almost three years before all hell broke loose. Tears and accusations. Argument after argument, screams and harsh words. Still when the time came, the end knocked Isak off his feet, taking him by surprise. When that door was finally shut, he was left staring at the walls of now _his_ apartment, trying to figure out how he was going to afford the place, take care of his dog and of himself, make it to classes, hang out with his friends, just live, when he felt absolutely nothing. Even packed up his boxes and apparently took Isak’s heart with him by mistake, because nothing seemed to fill the void, the numbness that Isak was left with.

 ***

He jumped out of a car and headed straight to the window at the back of a house, figuring that this time it actually was empty, because no way the owners wouldn’t have noticed a manic tall blond in their pool by now. Isak didn’t have time to reminisce about the last time he was here, and just how innocent and in love they were back then. He slid inside the basement and saw him.

Even was floating on his back in the middle of the pool. His face was illuminated by the cold blue lights, while his eyes were closed and his lips were curled in a smile. For a brief moment Isak let go of all his fears and let the warm feeling building up in his chest take over, admiring how magical and tranquil Even looked from where he was standing. Isak knew that in reality Even’s mind was racing right now, not being able to concentrate on one single thought, on the verge of giving up and slipping into the darkness. He hated that he was about to drive Even over the edge and right into thin hands of depression, he hated that Even was going through this.

Isak heard several cars passing by and he knew it was time to burst the bubble. He moved closer to the pool and leaned forward so Even would hear him whisper, “Even, I think it’s time to go now.” The other boy’s eyes opened and widened at the same time, the smile slowly leaving his lips. “You are here,” were the only words he let out, swimming closer to the edge, to Isak and taking a hand that Isak offered to help him get out of the pool.

Even changed into Isak’s spare set of dry clothes and settled at the back of the car, already slowly drifting away into the land of dreams. Just as Isak closed the door behind Even, he noticed a figure approaching him with an anxious speed.

"What's happening?” were the first words out of the stranger’s mouth.

She was beautiful. No, she was stunning. Even though it was 5 am and she seemed paler than normal, for a second Isak couldn’t tear his eyes from her face. With big blue eyes, sunken cheeks and raven coloured hair, now messily put into a ponytail, she looked like she walked right out of one of Tim Burton’s animation movies. Isak instantly got why Even liked her. She was different, from Sonja and Isak. While they looked angelically pure with their rosy cheeks, this girl in front of him seemed mysteriously dark. It didn’t really matter if she actually was, because Isak knew it took Even just one look to fall hard for someone. And Isak would fall for someone like her too, only if something inside of him wasn’t boiling with frustration and anger. And then he exploded, overfilling with rage. He was furious at himself and her for not noticing in time. For not paying attention.

"He's sick! He's bipolar! Gosh, are you blind? He should be taking his meds, but clearly he stopped again!” Her eyes were filling with tears, but she tried to stay strong, biting her lip, arms crossed, staring Isak dead in the eyes.

“Just stay away, please..."

He almost wanted to tell the girl exactly the same speech Sonja gave him. Word for word, because it was still stuck in his head after all that time. Tell her about the last idea that took over Even’s mind when they were together, the way he was losing his sleep, slipping further and further away from Isak. But he stopped himself when he saw tears streaming down her cheeks. He acted like a dick, letting his own self-pity get the best of him. The girl looked so scared and lost, all her strength long gone, Isak's own heart broke a little.

"For now. He'll reach out to you when he feels like it. I'm really sorry."

*** 

Then there was a night of restless sleep in an uncomfortable chair right next to the room Even was in. Isak wasn't family or boyfriend or anything that gave him a privilege to guard Even's sleep, even though he was the one who brought him in, so he had to wait till the doctor let him in. He spent some time scrolling through Even’s Instagram, something he didn’t think he’d ever find himself doing. He didn’t have many photos there, but the last picture he uploaded was of the girl Isak met earlier today – she was standing in front of the drawing in a museum, dressed in all black. She was tagged on the photo, and on her page Isak saw dozens of pictures of Even. Him hugging her tightly, him giving her heart eyes while she was looking at the camera, her kissing his cheek while he smiled brightly the way he did when he was over the moon and his eyes wrinkled with joy. He scrolled down her profile until he saw the picture of Even which was posted three months ago, a week after Even left him sobbing on the kitchen floor into his phone to Eskild. The description stated “maybe we could be the start of something” and it was enough heartache for Isak for one sleepless night.

He abruptly woke up instantly standing up when a nurse appeared in front of the room. She was pushing a trolley with trays of breakfasts and medicines, intending to go into Even's room when Isak was already opening the door for her, just to have an excuse to let himself in.

The nurse proceeded to Even's side and was about to gently squeeze his hand before Isak finally started talking.

"Do you have to? Wake him up, I mean."

"It's time for his medicine and he also has to eat properly before his checkup."

"I just, I know I'm not a professional, but I- I used to let him rest until he woke up on his own."

"And why is that?" The nurse looked actually interested, letting the “used to” part go, but Isak sensed that she already knew his answer. Maybe she had heard all of this before and not once.

"Um, just sleep seemed to help him."

"Yeah, maybe,” she quietly agreed, “or maybe it's because you don't want to see him in pain. And while he's asleep his depression doesn't come swinging him off his feet. Maybe you think him sleeping means that he's safe from his dark thoughts at least for some time, wanting to stretch these calm moments before he opens his eyes and you will see that there is only aching emptiness inside."

Isak looked beyond confused, questioning look on his face. Because deep down he knew it was true.

"I’ve seen all of these and worse: people slipping from this world, their families completely broken. And if I got at least something from all the interactions with them, it’s that it just hurts to see the ones we love hurting" She confessed turning to fill a small cup with different pills, and before Isak could tell her that he, in fact, did not love Even anymore, the latter boy started shuffling in his bed, slowly opening his eyes.

"I'll leave you to it," the nurse said pointedly tapping on the cup with pills and Isak gave her an understanding nod.

He turned to Even now rubbing his eyes with his thin fingers. He looked exhausted. And disoriented. When he was finally able to focus his eyes on Isak, he abruptly sat on the bed, tucking the end of the blanket to cover his hospital gown.

“What’s going on? Where’s Lucy?” _Well, this fucking hurt,_ thought Isak, carefully moving closer to the bed, sitting down on the very edge, not daring to let himself touch Even.

“What are _you_ doing here?” Silence in response. Just Isak biting his lip and looking guilty as hell.

“Isak, how are you here?” Even’s mind was trying to remember the events of last night and not lose focus on the situation right in front of him at the same time.

“Your girlfriend,” Isak started quietly, instantly stopping, hoping, _hoping_ that Even would correct him, “she called me, because you ran off.”

“So she knows?”

“Of course she knows”

“That’s a pity,” Even said, but his voice was so emotionless and numb, Isak wasn’t buying it. Wasn’t buying that Even hadn’t spent days and nights fighting with himself, wondering whether the world would stop if he just told the truth, that he hadn’t stopped himself right before the words were about to roll off his tongue, that he didn’t punish himself for lying next to a person who didn’t know about such a big part of Even’s life. Because Even felt so much and so strongly, Isak couldn’t picture him not giving a damn.

He wondered whether it reminded Even of that night, whether Sonja sat at the exact spot, afraid of moving closer, afraid of saying the wrong words, hurting, just like he was right now. Whether Even also hid behind this cold façade, convincing himself and everybody else that it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that his secret was out and he wasn’t the one to tell it.

Isak stood up to move a tray with food and pills closer to Even, hating the awkward silence hanging between them.

“So, Lucy… she seems cool.”

“She is. Too bad it’s not going to last,” Even said, matter-of-factly, slightly brushing his fingers over Isak’s, when the younger boy passed him a glass of water.

“Why would you say that? I’m sure you can work this out.”

“It didn’t work out with you.” Just like that. No sugar-coating, no prelude, Even was straight up knocking Isak off his feet with just one sentence. And Isak wondered how long Even was meaning to say this, not in a thoroughly thought out way, but bluntly, without thinking and holding back. So he simply nodded, biting his lip and sitting down in a chair next to the bed.

“You being bipolar wasn’t the reason we didn’t work out, Even. We both know that.”

“Felt like it was, at least at first. I wasn’t getting better and you were giving up. Seems pretty simple to me.”

“Bullshit!” Isak snapped suddenly, before clenching his fists and then breathing out to calm himself. He looked down at his hands and proceeded now quietly, “you weren’t getting better and I stayed. I always stayed. You were the one who left. And not because you are bipolar.”

A passive-aggressive conversation was turning into a full-on argument. Isak didn’t know from where either of them got the energy for this right now, but it was happening. They were opening up the old wounds, letting themselves drown in pain and blood.

“You didn’t want me there anymore!”

“Because you fell for someone else!” Saying this out loud to Even should have felt good, at least Isak was supposed to feel some relief, but what he felt was far from it.

_Maybe that’s what we deserve after what we’ve done to each other._

“You were the one who told me to pack up my shit and walk away. You.” Even was tired, but he still found some strength to emphasize these words.

Isak couldn’t sit still, now pacing back and forth, “You say it’s simple? Here’s something simple for you – I was left with a half empty closet, with a cold bed and a broken heart! Because You found someone else.  You took every word, every confession, every “I love you” that I gave you and twisted it around so the only thing left of it would be an ugly lie! Now I am just another one in the line of forgotten insignificant people who you erase from your life, aren’t I? And this is pathetic, I am pathetic, because you are still anything but insignificant to me.”

He was done. He shouldn’t have come here. He shouldn’t have answered his phone last night. Even always brought up things in him he didn’t know were there in the first place. Before that it was unconditional love, which felt almost unbearable and surreal, filling every part of Isak’s mind and soul with purest admiration for Even. Then he learned that heartbreak was more agonizing than anything he had experienced before. Now it was anger, eating him up from inside, and he never, _ever_ , wanted to feel this for Even.

He noticed that he wasn’t in the room anymore only when he heard Even’s frustrated “Don’t!” and the door slamming behind him. Isak was going back to the place he called home, where his dog was patiently waiting for him to go for a walk and then curl next to him in the bed. Or was it Isak curling next to Rumi (as an alien which Dizzee from The Get Down came up with, not as a well-known poet), using his dog as a big plushy pillow. And as he was hiding from the world, questions about the pool, the feelings he tried to push away and why Even seemed like he knew Isak would come were chasing him until he finally fell asleep.


	2. can't you tell, i'm trying to love you less

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "-What happened to the love that was going to last for an eternity?  
> -Eternities aren't as long as they used to be."

Lucy turned out to be different. Some people said that she was shallow and a snob, others just thought she believed that she was smarter than everyone else. In reality, she just didn’t care. She had a sharp mind and a passion for literature, and she also was carefree and fun. The only way Even was able to describe her, taking all of these into account is _cool_. She was laid back and totally in control, while also being understanding and caring.

Lucy turned out to be different, because when Even left the hospital she was waiting outside, leaning on the wall looking down at her phone. When he came up to her, she didn’t throw herself on him, she didn’t start crying, but she didn’t get angry either. She just kissed him on the cheek and took his hand. Even didn’t notice when the words started flowing out like an endless stream, but he was already telling her everything about himself, his illness and about Isak. Talking to Lucy was always easy, because she didn’t care how awful your story was (she had plenty of those herself) and she knew when to give advice, when to silently nod and when to just agree that the situation sucked.

 ***

“So, what’s up with the swimming pool, Even?” Lucy asked once they were in his apartment chilling in the living room. Even felt like a kid again, his head on Lucy’s lap as she was brushing her thin fingers through his hair.

“It’s, it’s nothing really,” Even was smitten, not actually remembering what he said to her when he was on his highest high, “we had our first kiss there. Soppy, I know. At the time I thought it would be a great reference to Romeo + Juliet, but I had a girlfriend and I lied to get him to break into this house. And honestly, R+J? I know it’s one of the most beautiful love stories ever written, but it’s a tragedy. Why did I think it would be a good idea to start our relationship mirroring the story that inevitably ended in heartbreak?”

Lucy understandingly squeezed his hand, but didn’t say a word. They sat like this for a while, in total silence, listening to their heavy breaths. Even looked up to see Lu’s face, patiently waiting for her response. She seemed like she was muttering something to herself, then stopping and frowning, rethinking and starting again. When she caught his gaze, she jokingly pinched his arm and smiled.

“Don’t you think that you are telling this to the wrong person?”

“I don’t know if he would want to hear it, our last conversation didn’t exactly go smoothly.” The room was getting darker around them and a certain awkwardness was starting to form between them. Just now Even realised that they spent the whole day talking about him and his past relationship, without even mentioning what it meant for them. “Listen, Lu, it doesn’t mean-”

“Oh, c’mon, Even, of course it does. We agreed back then that neither of us wanted anything exclusive, but it would be a lie if I said that I didn’t get used to you being around.”

“I don’t want you to think that you are just a rebound or that the last few months weren’t real.” Because they liked each other, liked attending parties together and hanging out, liked kissing and cuddling and everything in between. Maybe their bond wasn’t as strong as Even and Isak’s used to be, but Even still felt his eyes watering as Lucy was being the brave one, raising the important question.

“We can’t go on like this, not after last night.” _This is the moment where she leaves me._ “I am not mad and I am not scared, I am here for you, okay? I get why you didn’t want me to know, because suddenly this,” she gestured to the space between them, “stops being chill. It’s okay, and you know why? I realised that maybe I don’t want it to be chill anymore.” Suddenly she stopped and looked down at him, turning his head so he could face her. “We are friends first, and only then whatever the hell it is between us, right?” She nudged him to get some kind of response and when he slightly nodded, continued, “I like you, Even. I like you a lot, but if we are going to continue this, I _will_ fall in love with you, so I need you to be sure. Because we can end this right now and nobody will get hurt, but I don’t want to, ehm, to-”

“- end up like Isak.”

She didn’t correct him, instead she just nodded biting the inside of her cheek and turning her attention to her phone. Even hated himself, because just the slightest part of him wanted her to be the one to call the shots. He wanted her to leave, so he wouldn’t have to choose. Not that he knew if he wanted to get back with Isak, or if Isak wanted to ever see him again.

But he remembered the feeling of relief when he heard the all too familiar voice in the pool. It still sent shivers down his spine after all that time and he didn’t even have to open his eyes to know what Isak looked like. The way he was frowning, looking at Even with his beautiful green eyes full of tenderness and concern. Deep down Even wanted him to come, wanted Isak to rescue him, to see that Even wasn’t alright, but when it actually happened, he got scared. Because just for a moment the boy he loved more than anyone in the world was taking care of him again.

Lucy was waiting for an answer, for Even to make a decision, but he simply couldn’t, not right now when all he could think about was Isak’s laugh and the way his cheeks turned rosy under Even’s lips and how he dropped his eyes to the ground when Even was complimenting him. The image of Isak in warm colours of early mornings was right before his eyes, how their curtains used to let in just the right amount of sun into the room to make Isak’s curls glow like gold and highlight his porcelain skin. The most beautiful girl in the world was holding Even in her arms right now, but in his mind he was lying next to a person who had to be an angel or a God himself, because if Even ever believed in anything in his life, it was this boy.

But maybe Even was a sinner and no god would ever be able to forgive his sins.

*** 

Isak was strong enough to not cry when he got a message from Lucy the next day after he left Even in the hospital.

“ _Isak, hi. What you said yesterday is not cool, but I get it. Even asked me to text you that he’s alright and he’s back home now. Thank you. Lu_.”

He even met up with Lucy on the weekend to return Even’s clothes, excusing himself after a couple of minutes of awkward conversation. He braced himself when he started getting occasional texts from Even, at first apologizing for their argument in the hospital, then asking about Isak’s life and how his parents were doing. Isak figured it was politeness that made Even reach out to him, or maybe even Lucy. Because she saw how hurt he was, how unprepared he was for Even to burst back into his life for just one night. And Isak liked her, brushing aside stupid jealousy that was creeping down his back.

And then he made a mistake, when Even told him that he missed Rumi, and before Isak had a chance to process it, his fingers typed “You should come visit him some time”. Then there were hours of persuading himself that he did it for Even and Rumi, because they were inseparable before, because it was Even who wanted a dog in the first place. Because when he left, Isak and Rumi howled in unison. Of course he didn’t do it for himself, why would he want to see Even back where it all started and finished.

“We can swing by tomorrow, if you’re free. Take him for a walk in the park.”

That’s how Isak ended up where he was right now, awkwardly smiling at Lucy from across the room, supporting the wall with his weight while she sat at the edge of the sofa. Even was sitting on the floor while Rumi was jumping around, knocking Even down and licking his face. Lucy was there like a constant reminder for Isak _that she existed_ , lightly touching Even’s shoulder and whispering in his ear, before Even looked up and finally said something directed at Isak that wasn’t “Hello” and “How are you?”.

“Join us for a walk?” It sounded not like an offer but more like a plea, like it was the only way for Even to tell Isak that he wanted to be in his presence for a little longer without actually saying it. Or maybe it was Isak’s imagination, but he shyly agreed and they all headed out in silence.

While Even was playing with Rumi, running around a big field, he saw in the corner of his eye Lucy trying to initiate a conversation with Isak, who was acting quite cold towards her, but it was understandable. It was two weeks after the pool incident, and Even was still with her. It wasn’t fair, because he never actually gave her the answer, but he just stayed where he was, and she didn’t bring up their conversation. It was so not fucking fair, especially because he dreamt of Isak every night since he saw him in the hospital.

“Why did you call him Rumi?” Even heard Lucy attempt once again to make Isak talk to her and she must have finally pressed the right buttons, because Isak tore his eyes from his phone. The dog heard his name from across the field and hurried to Isak’s side, giving Even a reason to also come closer.

“I, um, we were going through “The Get Down” phase”, Isak was starting to explain, smiling at the memories and noticing Even’s proximity and his sparkling eyes concentrated on him, “and there is a character, Dizzee, who signs his graffiti “Rumi”. He says it is an alien who always looks like he is going to an opera…”

“…but never actually makes it there.” Even finished, glancing at Isak with a smile, for a moment forgetting about Lucy, and the park full of people, their history, heartache and break up, indulging into a familiar feeling of being in sync. He was once again lying on the couch cuddling with Isak, listing names of main characters from their favourite films and tv shows, being pulled in for occasional kisses and tickling Isak’s neck every time he vetoed another name.

They easily slipped into their old habits, talking about everything, Isak dissing the latest pretentious indie movies Even has watched, moving to the topic of universities, discussing Even’s final work for his research project and how much Isak already wanted to get his degree. From studies they moved to their friends.

“Remember that time Mahdi brought Olivia, this gorgeous girl, to one of our parties?”

“Oh my god, Magnus literally cried over his beer because of how beautiful she was! I forgot about that, I have to remind him ASAP!”

“I can’t believe Liv still tolerates him.”

“Do you remember that time Eva told this girl in a bar that she’s bisexual and that girl freaked out because she thought Eva was trying to get into her pants? Jeez, what did Eva say to her, I can’t-”

“Don’t worry, you are safe, bisexual doesn’t mean attracted to idiots! _The_ best line ever!”

They were exchanging memories and funny stories about their friends, as if they didn’t have three months of silence between them. As if their lives just were put on pause when they broke up and someone finally decided to press Play again. But things did change, their lives didn’t just stop, and sadly, Even wasn’t supposed to be in sync with Isak anymore, so he quickly turned to Lu and was met by her emotionless facial expression.

Isak sensed the tension building between Even and Lucy, but instead of saying anything, he turned to Rumi and put him on a leash, showing the others that he was ready to leave if they wanted him to. Surprisingly, when he moved in a direction of his flat, Lucy caught up with him and started talking about her university project and Even was on Isak’s other side. His head hung low as he slowly dragged his feet. The whole day Isak was getting strange signals from Even, pointing at his will to at least have a normal friendship again. Now it was Isak’s turn to send a silent message to Even, when he reached out for the other boy’s hand and put Rumi’s leash in it. Their hands stayed connected for a little longer than it was acceptable, burning each other with their fingertips, before Isak withdrew his hand and hid it in a pocket of his jacket.

 ***

No one knew how it happened, but now Even, Isak and Rumi were waiting for a lift to go up to Isak’s flat, while Lucy was waiting outside in her car. Maybe Even mumbled about forgetting something, or maybe it was Isak who wanted to return something long forgotten by Even, Lucy just nodded before turning on her heels and going to her car without saying goodbye.

“I think Rumi missed you too,” Isak finally broke the silence. _I did too. I still do, even though you are right here in front of me now, my soul still longs for you. It’s strange_ , Isak thought to himself, _I felt less lonely when you weren’t here_.

“He looks good, healthy. You look good too, Isak. Finally stopped spending your nights looking for perfect memes to respond to people with?” _Tell me you stopped crying yourself to sleep, Eskild told me all about this._

“It was one time! How do you even remember it?” Isak teasingly shoved Even into a wall, not sensing the subtext of their conversation, “also, I told you several times already, there was a perfect picture for a response, and then I got lost in the Internet looking for it, I didn’t even notice that it was 5am when I texted you back!” Even nodded with a pout, trying to hold back a laugh.

“Yeah, and then I was at your doorstep at 7 am telling you that if I see this Rare Pepe frog in our chat ever again, especially in the middle of the night, we are done.” _Ouch._ Both of them felt it in their guts, felt the air get colder between them when Even said the last words.

Isak stepped into the lift and pressed the right button, deep into his thoughts and only noticed that Even was talking to him when the other boy reached out and shook him slightly by his shoulder.

“What did you say?”

Even raised his eyebrows in amusement, maybe for the first time in Isak’s presence, before quickly becoming serious again. “I said I wanted to thank you. I never actually said it in the hospital.”

“Oh, it’s whatever,” Isak tried hard to dismiss the topic of the hospital.

“No, it’s not. You didn’t have to…”

“But I did. I have a question though; why did you say, “You are here”, when you saw me in the pool?” Isak didn’t know where this courage came from, and he couldn’t actually call it courage because his eyes were glued to the leash that Even was holding in his hands. This conversation wasn’t turning out as a light chat in a lift about nothing in particular, which scared both of them.

“I don’t know… I mean, I remember saying it and,” Even couldn’t come up with a good enough lie, which is why he decided to roll with the truth, “I guess I wanted you to be there, because it’s our place, it means something to me. And as I was floating there I thought about just how amazing it would be if you were next to me.” The lift stopped, doors opened and Even’s walls broke down. The younger boy was staring at him, shocked by the raw honesty. Even wanted to finally build a bridge to reach Isak, to connect again and now it would only take Isak wanting it back to-

“I don’t think it’s a really good idea for you to come in.” The words sounded like thunder in broad daylight in Even’s head, even though there were barely whispered. Still he stepped out of the lift after Isak and grabbed his hand, turning him so they could face each other. He didn’t have a plan, he simply wanted to stand there, just two boys, without all the emotional baggage they were dragging behind them for the last months. What Even couldn’t dream of were soft cold lips pressed gently against his, begging to be kissed back. And kiss back he did, his hands finding their way around Isak’s waist under his jacket, electricity running through his veins and his heart beating hundred times faster.

Isak took several steps back, before hitting a wall with his back and pulling Even after him. He felt a big ball of anxiety in a pit of his stomach untangling and being replaced by a burning sensation of pleasure, feeling Even’s body close to his. And it felt so right, them fitting together perfectly. Even praising his body and holding him firm but also tender at the same time as if he was the most precious thing on the planet, it felt too fucking right. Their lips and tongues collided, leaving both of them moaning into each other’s mouths. It was only three months ago when they last kissed. A lifetime pressed into three months, but also three months which felt like just a day, because of how familiar it was. Was Isak making any sense with these thoughts? Probably not, but his Even was kissing him hungrily, and Isak didn’t care about anything else.

Until Even pulled away and put his hands on the wall on both sides of Isak’s head, towering above the other boy and pressing their foreheads together.

“You are right, it’s not a good idea for me to come in.” Isak looked lost, pushed into a wall like that, but mostly hurt. _Again, and because of me_ , Even thought. “Because if I come in, I would never see myself leaving you ever again.”

Isak put his hand on Even’s cheek, softly caressing it, running his fingers over Even’s plump lips and his birthmarks. Even leaned into Isak’s touch for a second and then turned around, pressing a button for the lift. The memories of their break up, of Even leaving him started to return to Isak, as he looked at Even’s back and said quietly, “How long are you going to do this? Come back into my life exactly when there is a possibility of me getting over you? I don’t want you to be here just to leave and fuck me up again, I want you. To. Stay.” When Even stepped into the lift and turned around, just before the door closed, Isak caught a glimpse of Even’s face and tears streaming down his cheeks.

The rest of the day Isak spent wrecking his flat, pushing chairs upside down, knocking down books from shelves and ripping off posters from the walls. He didn’t know how to deal with this fury inside him, constantly moving around without slowing down even just to catch a breather, until he sank to the floor and his anger turned into tears.

 ***

The ride home was unbearably quite. Especially in a contrast to the screaming that was happening right now. Just as they stepped into Lucy’s apartment, she exploded.

“I asked you for one thing! One thing, and you couldn’t even do this for me? Do not hurt me! How hard is that to understand? Even, I am your friend _and_ your girlfriend!” Even’s lips burned with memories of Isak’s kisses at these words.

“Do you want me to leave?” His question sounded too calm for his own good and he was predicting another wave of screaming hitting him.

“I am not going to be like Isak. I am not going to force your decision; it is still yours to make. If this is just a big misunderstanding, then I am sorry for lashing out at you. But there is only one person in your heart, Even. And I am pretty sure we both know who this person is, who this person always was. So I suggest you stop being an idiot and just go and be with him.”

Even’s world was slowly crumbling around him, all his safe sounds and places turning into nightmares, everything getting too much. He could only nod and then hear a door closing behind him as he was left all alone with his thoughts again. He had fucked up everything he had in his life and he couldn’t blame it on his speeding mind, he was ought to face the consequences of his actions, of his inability to confess to Isak that he would choose him over and over again in every universe and every lifetime. Even had nowhere to go and no one to go to… Or maybe there still was one person who would accept him no matter how much he screwed up, no matter how many times he left this person behind? Now he was on his way to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope i'm not disappointing you with the course of the story, i promise that i have everything figured out ;)  
> also, i hope you don't hate Even in this fic, i know he is hurting the two people he cares about, and also himself, but sometimes life is like this. Sometimes you don't know what is good for you and you are scared of losing everything, that's why you just stay where you are, until you can't handle not being true to yourself anymore.  
> so where did Even go? what happened three months ago? should they be together after all the heartache they went through?


	3. tell me you’re not miserable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No”, he said quickly. “Never. Stay friends? Try to grow a small rose garden on the ashes of broken feelings? No, this will never work for you and me. It happens only after small affairs and it looks fake. Love should not be spoiled by friendship. The end is the end.”

Even and Isak moved in together in the middle of Isak’s first year in university and not once was Even not happy to call that place his home. He never felt like he didn’t want to go back there at the end of the day.

Not once.

Not ever.

Before that day.

one month before the break-up.

He woke up feeling someone’s eyes glued to his face, tracking every little subtle change. He stretched that little moment of silence for a moment, before opening his eyes and seeing Isak, lying on his side, examining his face, so close to Even their noses practically bumped when Even turned his head.

“How was the party?” Isak asked coyly, sneaking his hand to Even’s belly and moving even closer. He looked so pretty like this, looking up at Even from under his long fluttering eyelashes, trying to hide a playful smile. Like nothing was wrong.

Like he didn’t stiffen under the covers when Even sneaked into their bed just a couple of hours earlier.

_How do I go about that? Do I tell him right away? It’s no big deal, why does it feel like a big deal. I should just tell him, he’ll unders-_

“Even?”

_Now or never._

“Funny you ask, actually…”, Even moved so he could half sit, half lay resting his back against the pillows with Isak’s head still on his chest. “Something strange happened to me last night.”

“Oh, really? Do tell.”

“So I was standing there getting ready to leave, waiting for Mikael, when… um, when this girl appeared out of nowhere in front of me and the next thing I know, well, um, the next thing I know she’s kissing me.”

For a second everything was quite. Then Isak turned his head and Even could swear his eyes were about to pop out of his eye-sockets.

“Come again? She did… you did what?”

“Isak, it’s nothing, that’s why I’m telling you this right away. She was drunk and in a loving mood, and my lips just happened to be on her way, I guess. I’ve never even seen her around campus before. The next minute she was gone, Mikael finally gave up on picking that poor guy up and we left. End of story.”

It took another minute for Isak to digest the story and say something.

“Okay.” Now it was Even’s eyes that widened so fast everything turned white for a split second.

“Okay?”

“Yeah,” Isak’s hands found Even’s and laced their fingers together. “Okay, you say it’s nothing, then it’s nothing.” And like that he wasn’t on the bed anymore, moving toward the door.  Right before he disappeared into the hallway, Isak turned around and said, “You do have quite kissable lips, so it’s not surprise they were on her way.”

How could they have known that it would turn into _something_ very soon?

*** 

Even could only imagine what their last months of relationship looked like to Isak. Even barely being home, always tired, always late. Not talking much, never explaining where he spent the nights anymore, what and whose parties he went to. Maybe if Even stopped one day and just thought about how this all looked like, he wouldn’t find himself in this situation.

He bumped into her a few days later. They had a couple of mutual friends, as it turned out. She never apologised for attacking his lips, and Even couldn’t really believe that she was sorry anyway. Maybe it all happened too fast.

Spending more and more time together. Arguing about every book she had to analyse for her classes, because their views on the world were completely different. Bonding over poetry.

And partying. She never tried to make a move on Even, though their conversations were filled with flirtatious subtext. Spending the nights after partying on her sofa, persuading himself it was only because she lived so close to university. _She is an amazing friend, you only meet someone like this once in your lifetime, if you’re lucky_ , he told himself.

Maybe he mentioned that he had a boyfriend too late. So late, that the rumours of her cherry lips firmly pressed against his for the second time at some random party made two laps around Oslo and came back biting him in the ass. So late, that Isak got knocked down by this rumour when he least expected.

So late, that Even got knocked down by Eva’s fist right in his nose the next morning when he tried to get into his own apartment. And the rest is history. Misunderstandings, arguments and Isak’s fists repeatedly hitting the walls. Even believed that Isak wanted to hit him, really hit him and hurt him, but his boyfriend was better than this. That’s why his knuckles were bleeding and there were bloody smudges on the hallway walls. 

Maybe in the end Isak believed Even, when he was on his knees, hugging Isak’s legs, refusing to let go of him, of them, repeating time after time how much he loved him. Even felt Isak’s fingers in his hair as he was too ashamed to look up, to look at how he ruined them. Isak believed him, but he didn’t forgive him. He couldn’t trust him again, not after the last month full of lies.

***

“Is this yours or m- ?” the last word never left Even’s lips, when he peeked into the kitchen. Isak was sitting half facing the window, only a part of his face visible to Even, and even it was hidden underneath Isak’s fringe and a shadow. The view broke Even’s heart a little more, if it was possible at this point. A stupid t-shirt in his hand didn’t matter anymore, when all he wanted to do was either unpack his boxes and stay or to just get over with this and be gone. An already half empty bottle of beer was next to Isak and the boy kept concentrating on its label, examining it underneath his heavy eyelids.

All the words were already spoken and most certainly immediately regretted. Even tried to explain, but Isak was done. He spent the last few weeks hoping for Even to start talking, to prove him wrong, but nothing happened. So when Isak finally was hit by such fascinating news about his boyfriend, he made the hardest decision in his life, and he didn’t need Even trying to change his mind, because he knew Even would eventually succeed. He was too late.

Even was distant and cold, and at first Isak didn’t read too much into it, but then other things were constantly brought to his attention by people around them. Like how Even started partying too often and barely made it to classes. Isak noticed this one himself, because of the empty bed he was waking up in and short texts from Even that he is already gone. But Isak knew he never made it home in the first place. And now it all made sense.

Because _nothing_ turned into _something_ , into a fucking storm that covered Isak with his waves and he was drowning, trying reach the surface to breathe, having no one to save him but himself.

Even sat down next to him, but far enough to not make Isak move even further away. They couldn’t look each other in the eyes, not when they were standing on the ashes of three years of their relationship. Even moved his hand hesitantly, slowly covering Isak’s and just letting it stay like this. Touching but not connected anymore.

“I think we should be friends. I’d like that, Isak.”

Isak hectically untangled his hand from Even’s light grip, looking almost disgusted. For everything he’s been through to get here, this is what he gets? Friendship? With the person he saw himself growing up together? He stood up and tried to leave the room before his mind came up with a clear idea of what he’d say to that, but it was too late. Feelings were already spilling out of him.

“I can't be friends with an ex, well, not any ex... I can't be friends with you!” Continuous _thump-thump-thump sound_ , their heart beatings ringing in their ears. “I am not strong enough to convert all the baggage we have into a beautiful friendship. I will never be able to be like those people, who still stay in touch, hang out, who kiss each other hello and hug each other goodbye. How do people expect me to be able to touch you without my heart cracking in half when I can't even be in your presence if we are not together? I will feel the weight of every day that you were mine crashing me down. Acting like my whole body doesn't ache when I have to keep a distance between us when before that I was allowed to be so close to you I could feel your breath and hear your heartbeat? It will bring me to my knees.”

All Isak’s anger from the past few days was turning into sorrow. Even couldn’t tear his eyes from Isak’s face now, as if feeling everything his now _ex_ -boyfriend was going through.

“I am not one of those people who can move on with their ex constantly being in their lives. Not with you. Not ever. Do you get it? I won't stand next to you discussing stupid everyday things when you hurt me this way, while my soul longs for you and I have to use every last power I have over my body not to let myself crack my chest open and let you see what's inside. It's you.”

Even was left speechless nodding in silence to every word leaving Isak’s mouth. Because it was selfish of him to try and keep Isak by his side. To try and get it all. The long forgotten t-shirt in his hand was _theirs,_ much as almost everything in this flat and it was impossible to try and divide it evenly. He was holding onto something that wasn’t here anymore.

now.

Words were spilling out without any difficulties for the first time in such a long time. Even, in the arms of the one person who always accepted him, with all his fuck ups. Crying, screaming, apologising again and again for leaving this person behind. Thanking for being there for him, even if he didn’t deserve it.


	4. dear forgiveness, i saved a plate for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who are you now?  
> are you someone better for my love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i'm the worst and everything, life got on the way, but i still wanted to finish this little story! don't hate me i'm smol and cute and i loved all your responses you're literally the best, hope you enjoyed this angsty story (sorry not sorry) and hey! s4 is upon us can you believe it!

The sound of a loud persistent knocking made Isak jump to his feet from a sofa where he was lounging a moment ago. He passed a mirror in a hallway and quickly checked out his outfit (grey sweatpants and a hoodie with his university’s logo, very attractive) and swung the front door open without checking first who was behind it. He would have never guessed that it would be Lucy standing there.

“Hey, is everything alright?” She didn’t seem alright. Even though she was dressed for a party, in a pretty fitted white dress and pointy heels, Isak doubted she was going to make it there, he just saw it in her eyes.

“Is he here?”

“Is Even okay?”

They spoke at the same time, and while Isak was processing Lucy’s words, her eyes widened at his question and her skin turned as pale as her dress. Her legs must have given up, because the next moment she was stumbling forward, trying to lean on the doorframe, but Isak caught her mid-fall and carefully lowered her to the floor. His ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend was sitting in his hallway propping the wall with her back and looking like she was about to be sick. That’s not how Isak pictured his evening going.

It was two weeks since Isak kissed Even and asked him to stay only to watch him leave again. It was also two weeks since Lucy and Even broke up and she told him to go after Isak. Neither of them had seen him since.

At this moment Noora and Eskild stumbled from the kitchen, worried looks on their faces, bumping shoulders and hurrying to Isak’s side to help him take Lucy to the living room. She felt so cold and fragile right now, Isak had to chase away thoughts of her and Even, thoughts of the ways Even had felt her, because Isak’s skin was starting to itch and burn where Lucy’s skin was touching his.

***

“You should know that I’ve never tried to take your place,” ten minutes later Lucy was snuggled in Noora’s big cardigan with a glass of wine in her hands. Also, Isak was forever grateful that his friends chose exactly this day to torture him with a sleepover/movie night. Films long forgotten all attention was on Lucy, who started talking. “It wasn’t even on the table. There was Even, then there was this empty space and only then me. And it was always between us, I never tried to step into it or fill the void that wasn’t reserved for me. We barely spoke of it, but we both knew its importance.” Eskild was knowingly nodding to her every word and Noora was lightly holding her looking Isak dead in the eyes as if pushing him to say something.

“Gosh, I must sound like a pompous shit, but that’s what I’m best known for.” Lucy finally looked up from her glass and smiled at Isak as if she didn’t just have a break down in his doorway, as if she was back to being her chill not-a-care-in-the-world self.

“You are good for him, I’m happy he found you.”

“No, you are not, Isak. I don’t get how you can be so polite and calm with me. We started hooking up like a week after you two broke up, don’t you get it? He was with me for the past few months, while he had to be by your side! Don’t give me this “I’m happy for you” crap!” She was losing her tamper, but Isak wasn’t getting why she was doing this right now.

“Why are you saying these things to me? It doesn’t matter anymore…”

“Of course it matters, Isak!” His name on her lips felt bitter, exactly the way you would imagine it coming from your ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. “You need to know that because we all have to be on the same page and stop living in this denial, believing that this thing just _happened_ to us. We are all to blame for this whole mess, you - ”

Noora cut her out with a firm hand placed on Lucy’s arm, “That’s quite enough of that, don’t you think?”

*** 

The next day Isak left early in the morning while everyone was still asleep, leaving a little note on the kitchen table saying that he has to be the one to find Even. Driving around the city, popping into a variety of cafes and shops, calling his every possible friend who Even could go to, Isak realised that they were back to the start. Isak, chasing after Even, while not knowing what he will do when (if) he finds him.

So he asked a taxi driver to put the radio on and made an effort to get Even out of his head for just a moment. Isak remembered waking up on the couch next to Rumi and Eskild, who tackled Isak into snuggling while they were asleep and it actually made him smile. The silent understanding the two of them worked out made him happy even if he wasn’t going to admit it out loud.

Then he remembered the weirdest scene he witnessed in his bedroom, when he sneaked to get some clean clothes. Being a gentleman, he offered his bedroom to the ladies, and now said ladies were peacefully spooning in his bed: Lucy under the blanket and Noora on top of it hugging Lucy from behind, both in Isak’s t-shirts that were long enough to look decent.

Isak was about to start examining how he missed all the little things the night before between those two, when he realised that he reached his destination and said destination was waiting outside the front door, arms crossed on her chest.

Sonja.

“He is not here,” she said calmly before he had a chance to even say hello. Then she was slowly turning on her heels and proceeding to the door.

“Wait!” _Shit, why did I do that? I don’t have anything to say to her._ “I don’t know where else to look, Sonja.”

She turned around with a surprised look on her face, looked him up and down and then leaped forward locking him in her embrace. _Two poor souls who were left behind,_ Isak thought, curling his arms around her waist, _How pathetic is it that we are on the same side now?_

“I’ve been everywhere, I’ve talked to everyone, it’s clear as day he doesn’t want to be found.”

“You don’t get what you want right away and you give up, Isak. I’m pretty sure you know where you have to go, but you’re too afraid.”

_Is it some kind of game? Does he have to solve puzzles and unlock next levels to get a little closer to solving the mystery that is Even Bech Næsheim?_

And then realisation hit him like a train.

***

Isak stood in front of a big house with a beautiful front yard and a little garden on the side. The last time he was here the snow and little fairy lights were covering everything around, turning this place into a little winter wonderland.

He even almost stopped being anxious about an upcoming interaction, only until his hand was timidly knocking on the door. Once, twice, three times, before the door opened and he was met with crossed arms on a chest and pursed lips. Twice in one day. Facial expression that painfully resembled Even’s. Only it was his mom standing in front of Isak, tilting her head as if questioning what the hell he forgot here. Or either what the hell took him so long to get here.

Even was comfortably curled on a couch with his laptop next to him. Isak liked when Even looked like this – in his sweatpants and an old loose t-shirt, with his hair still looking dashing in a slight mess, and a certain strand of hair uncontrollably sticking up. Isak leaned on a doorframe and took in the view of Even calmly chilling in his old living room, surrounded by framed pictures of his family on various vacations and Even’s own drawings. After a few seconds of just standing there Isak noticed that Even tensed, which meant that he knew, he felt Isak’s presence in the room.

“Aren’t you going to say “You are here”?”

“No, I won’t. Because this time I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

Isak slowly moved closer to Even, forgetting how to breathe somewhere in the middle before he sat down in an armchair in front of Even.

“Lucy is at my place right now, I’ve spent the whole morning terrorising our every common friend, including Sonja, this is just a mess.”

“I don’t know what to say, Isak.” Even looked so small like this, his arms hugging his legs and his face hiding behind his knees.

“Bullshit! Do I need to remind you what happened?”  
“I cheated on you.”

“I know.”

“It wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“What?”

“Lucy. She wasn’t supposed to turn into anything, but…”

“…you fell for her.”

“What? No! I mean, not back then, not when we were still together.”

“How’s it possible? I saw it in your eyes, in the way you were always late to pick me up from uni, how our walks with Rumi were becoming shorter and shorter, and in a million other little things! For f- I asked you a million times whether it was all true. You never denied it, Even.”

“There was no one else.”

Isak was getting furious, because he couldn’t understand shit. He couldn’t understand why they broke up and why Even was acting so weird back then, if he didn’t just fell in love with Lucy, if she wasn’t the only reasons…

“I got scared. This is the most basic and ridiculous excuse, but it's true. One day I came home and there you were, in our living room surrounded by your textbooks and notes, with our dog resting at your feet, and you looked so grown up and independent. At that moment I realized that the last three years went by too quickly, with a blink of an eye. I had this gorgeous man who I was coming home to, who occasionally cooked eatable dinners for us, reminded me to pay bills and spent Sundays with my family having brunch and discussing our future.”

Isak saw Even’s mother with in the corner of his eye, leaning against the doorway. She looked wrecked, as if their pain was hers as well.

" _We are adults now,_ I told myself. That's totally normal, but I missed being lazy and gross, spending all weekend in your bed, missed this little boy who didn't know how to do laundry and was shy even holding my hand in front of my mom. One minute at a time turned into a scheduled future, where we were already living in our own place with a dog, going to university, making money, talking about where we will spend next summer or with whose family we will celebrate Christmas this year.” A little breather to organise his thoughts. Isak’s eyebrows furrowed listening closely. Raw honesty between them, as always.

“It wasn't even one day at a time, we had the whole next year planned out and it scared me because I was afraid of what it meant. That you and I, we were forever. That was it, and I don't mean it in a bad way, because I… loved you. But I didn't get to have a say. And Lucy, she was fun, she was easy, you know. I thought that's what I wanted, what I needed at that moment.”

_She was something he thought he needed?!_

Isak stood up, smoothing wrinkles on his hoodie with his trembling fingers. Even stood up as well, finally towering above Isak as usual. He dipped his head, so that his face was right in front of Isak. His hands were in the air moving towards Isak’s jaw and his lips nearing the younger boy’s. Just one more second, one more centimetre and everything will be alright again. _Everything is always right when we are kissing. How ironic this must be for the ones out there who do not support us,_ Even thought, _two boys kissing feels more right to me than anything else in the world._

But his lips never reached Isak’s, his hands froze mid-air and maybe Even didn’t notice the fear in Isak’s eyes and how he slightly moved back when he sensed what was on Even’s mind. Boys’ attention was on a squeaky door slightly ajar.

This might have been the only moment since their first meeting when Isak didn’t want to be touched. He couldn’t stand the idea of kissing with so much unresolved crap between them. And at this moment Even’s mom finally gave in and came into the room with a tray with tea and cakes.

*** 

They sipped their tea in silence, and Isak tried to scratch the rash of wanting to run away and never look back again.

“You want to know why even after 3 months I wasn’t over us?” Isak started, putting his cup on the table and moving from the armchair to the sofa. “I was so angry. At you, and me, our lives, this whole damn universe. And I thought _Why here, why did it have to be this universe where we find each other so early in our lives_. School sweethearts is just a trop from the movies, in real life the possibility of first relationships lasting a lifetime is so low, that’s why I was so pissed about it. What does this universe think of itself, setting us up for a failure right from the beginning?”

Their knees were touching and maybe it was enough for now. Together in solitude.

“You are under my skin, Even.” Another _bupm_ of their bony knees together. “And I don't know what you imagined yourself, what other people and other love, when I know it's you and me. If you cut me right now, it'll be your blood flowing from my wound.”

Their fingers intertwining and Isak’s hand firmly squeezing Even’s. Isak couldn’t read emotions on the other boy’s face, feeling a little lost sitting on this sofa, in this house, in front of the love of his life.

“You hurt me. And I told you I’d never forgive you, but I did. And I thought I would stop loving you, but I didn’t. Come back to me, forgive me too, be with me,” he was practically pleading by now, but Even was perfectly still.

“We need to think about this, Isak. Seriously think about it. I don’t want you to start hating me and I don’t want to make the wrong move right now. We need time.”

***

And so Isak left.

He got on the train and spent the next hour wanting to punch a man sitting in front of him because he looked so happy, chatting to his girlfriend on his phone. He didn’t cry, and he didn’t get angry. He was just frustrated and this was the worst state to be in alone. Not being able to make himself cry or scream, all these feelings trapped inside. So he texted the boys and met up with them at Mahdi’s place. They never brought Even up in their conversation, instead catching up and telling ridiculous stories about their tutors and classmates.

When he opened the front door to his apartment, Rumi wasn’t excitedly waiting for him, waving his big golden tail. And there was another pair of shoes next to Isak’s old sneakers. A familiar denim jacket hanging next to Isak’s coats. A smell of something slightly burning and it was stupid, but this burning smell was full of hope for Isak.

He stepped into the kitchen and saw Rumi lying on his back, while a painfully familiar figure rubbed his belly whispering sweet nonsense. _What a traitor_ , Isak thought, though he couldn’t hide a smile. This felt like home.

“What are you doing here?”

Even stood up, turned to Isak and nodded towards a bunch of bags that Isak only now noticed.

“Moving back in with my boyfriend. Is he’s okay with that?” Even took Isak’s hand and pulled him towards himself, slightly bumping their bodies together and into the kitchen counter, all coy smiles and shining eyes.

“Wha- What about time? What about, um, about thinking?”

“Fuck thinking. I spent months and months overthinking everything. And you know what? I used to think maybe that’s it, maybe we get a limited amount of time with other people and my time with you ran out, and now it’s someone else’s turn.” His hands slipped around Isak’s waist, not very confidently, but very domestically. Isak’s breath hitched, shivers running down his spine under Even’s touch. “Which wasn’t fair, I thought today, because I deserve all the time in the world with you. And I envied all the hypothetical people who I believed might steal my time, because I love you, with all my aching soul, and I don’t want our time to run out.”

Even was moving closer into Isak’s personal space, slowly and teasingly. Isak bit his lip, trying to hide happiness he felt hearing these words, leaning into Even’s touch and smiling tenderly at the older boy. Freaking butterflies or fireworks or whatever it is that people keep talking about in these moments, all of the above was still here. Between them, like an electricity. And Even’s hot breath hovering his lips, meaning that it was all really happening right now. Everything was starting and ending with their lips colliding slowly at first, remembering the sweet taste of each other. Even’s hand was in Isak’s hair, pulling demandingly, making Isak quietly moan. Just like that they found their power in their softness.

***

“I saw you. Like a month after we broke up. You know, our calendars were still linked? Gosh, who are we really, we have calendars!”

They were lounging on the sofa, their arms and legs intertwined, almost not possible to determine where Even ended and Isak began. They took their time to kiss and hug is silence, too eat and discuss everything, smiles never leaving their faces and rooms filling with their laughter.

“But yeah… at that short films festival, I saw you. And I didn’t know what to do or say, because you looked good. Handsome as hell, in your element, engaged in a heated discussion with someone. Happy. So I just sat there at the back of the theater, ignoring one film after another. Until, hm… until yours. I don’t know why I stayed and what kind of torture that was, I never knew I had self-destructive tendencies.”

“You saw it?” Even raised his eyebrows, tickling Isak’s sides and hugging him even tighter.

“It was good. Painfully funny, I would say ironic. I know the story wasn’t about us, or me, I think I wouldn’t have handled seeing it if it was, but I saw- um... these little bits and pieces that you filmed back when we were together. Our friends dancing, Magnus’s loud chatter from the other room while Sana whispered encouraging things to Vilde in the kitchen, Rumi running around in the park, my hands flipping through the book in the library, our bedroom with the rising sun. I remember them all. It was beautiful.”

“It was about you. Even if it wasn’t a love story, even if it was just this abstract thing that was supposed to make every person feel their own emotions. I made it to make people feel that little thing that they hide from the world and cherish so much. That feeling only they experience and can never explain to others. I took everything beautiful and ugly in my world and made it as abstract as I could. Did you notice that you can never actually see anyone’s face clearly?”

Even wanted to stop for a second, because Isak was looking at him with _those_ eyes. The teasing _oh my god, here we go, this film nerd is at it again, strap yourself, we are going for a ride in boringville_ eyes. But he didn’t care, he loved them. Loved that Isak was going to pretend like he wasn’t interested, loved every inch of his sassy annoying boyfriend. “It’s girl’s hairs bouncing up and down at the dance floor or my friend’s scarred arms in the hospital hugging his mom. Can you imagine how hard it was for me to look at that footage from our bedroom and not include you, with your golden curls spread on a pillow and your grumpy face, because it was a weekend and I made you wake up so early. Because you make me feel that little thing that I can’t explain. That feeling that only belongs to me.”

 

They stayed like this for a long time, some movie playing on the background while they whispered something to each other. Their phones were exploding with calls and texts from their friends, but they didn’t care. They had everything they needed right here – in this little apartment, where the sad empty bookshelf was again going to be filled with outdated DVD’s, their wardrobe was going to turn into a mess filled with clothes that they shared every day, their bed finally was going to be warm and cozy again, with Isak and Even giggling under the covers.

Right before falling asleep, Even kissing his golden curls, his head resting on Even’s bare chest and their limbs pressed together with that slightly gross sticky feeling, Isak pressed his lips to Even’s skin and said something so quietly, it would forever stay only between the two of them, their big little secret.

“That feeling that only belongs to us.”

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i am back and again with a break up & make up fic, don't judge me  
> please let me know what you think, i'd really appreciate it xoxo


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